Unconditional love is something many people dream of having. However, not everyone knows how to show unconditional love or what defines it.
Showing yourself and others who are close to you this type of love takes practice and intention. Fortunately, you can learn how to exercise unconditional love in your life through self-reflection and mutual effort with loved ones.
It may take time and energy, as all personal growth does, but cultivating an environment where people feel free to be their authentic selves is worth the effort.
What is unconditional love?
Unconditional love means loving and being loved no matter what. It’s an unwavering type of love filled with patience, understanding, and forgiveness. There are no terms and conditions.
Many associate the idea of unconditional love with parental or maternal love, but it’s a concept within romantic relationships as well. Romantic love can become unconditional as it develops into a mature love full of respect and consideration.
Exhibiting unconditional love in your platonic connections can also help you be a better friend and deepen your relationships. There’s no real limit to who you can show unconditional love toward. It can be toward your parents, your neighbors, your coworkers, or anyone else you know.
Conditional vs. unconditional love
Conditional love is the opposite of unconditional love, meaning it has limitations. The concept implies the need for you to act a certain way or do certain things in order to be accepted.
With conditional love, you might be loved as long as:
- You have a job or act as a provider
- You’re in a good mood
- You look a certain way
- You’re physically healthy
- You do nice things for someone
Depending on the extent of these conditions, a conditional dynamic may not feel like real love at all. It might feel transactional or like you have to constantly proceed with caution in all your interactions.
When you feel as though someone’s love for you has abruptly disappeared, this can create issues regarding emotional permanence. It’s important to know another person still loves and cares for you, even if you’re arguing or dealing with personal issues. If the inconsistency in a relationship is negatively impacting your emotional well-being, it may be time to let go and move on.
What is unconditional love in a relationship?
Following the principles of humanistic psychology, every individual is unique. In turn, it’s a logical conclusion that every relationship dynamic is unique, too. Discovering what specifically makes a person feel loved is an integral part of building a relationship.
Unconditional love often involves a commitment to progression and improvement. For instance, learning someone’s love language may help you better understand them and their needs. They may need significant personal space or lots of reassurance. By asking someone how you can better show them love, you’re opening the window to a healthy expression of needs.
Understanding what unconditional love feels like
Unconditional love feels safe and comfortable. The relationship feels like a mutual exchange of feelings and genuine care rather than a series of transactions. You feel free to express your feelings without any reason to fear abandonment.
Experiencing unconditional love for the first time, however, may be jarring. If you’ve never received unconditional love and acceptance via parental love or romantic relationships, you may be suspicious of it. This may cause discomfort and result in avoidant behavior.
When you show others unconditional love, they also may not know how to receive it. The best thing you can do is be patient. Continue showing unconditional love to others by providing emotional support and being an empathetic listener, even if they feel they don’t deserve it. Often, people who feel undeserving of love are the ones who need it most.
Is unconditional love achievable?
The existence of unconditional love is a topic of philosophical and theoretical discussion.
While limited research currently exists, science seems to support the idea that human beings can love unconditionally. A study on the neural basis of unconditional love explored this topic. Researchers prompted participants to exude feelings of unconditional love by looking at photos of individuals with intellectual disabilities. After looking at brain imaging, researchers concluded that specific neural regions of the brain are responsible for the feeling.
A compelling way to find a satisfactory answer to whether unconditional love is possible is to look within yourself. Ask yourself if you can think of a time you showed unconditional love. Perhaps you showed patience and understanding toward a child. Or maybe you showed unwavering love toward your misbehaving pet. If you’re capable of showing unconditional love once, you’re capable of continuing that practice.
Cultivating unconditional love toward others
If you want to start practicing unconditional love in your daily life, you can take actionable steps to make it happen.
Exercising altruism
Altruism is the act of doing good out of the kindness of your heart, without expecting to gain anything. These acts of pure selflessness are, perhaps, the ultimate expression of unconditional love. There are no expectations of returned kindness or favors.
You can practice altruism through random acts of kindness. Simple acts of kindness include things like buying flowers for a stranger or paying for the food order of the person behind you. These displays of altruism can show you how good generosity can feel.
Accepting flaws
Unrealistic expectations can lead to resentment and disappointment. To let go of that resentment, you’ll need to accept people as they are.
Accepting others doesn’t mean you have to like all their negative qualities. It means that if a person has been late to your lunch meetings every time for three years, it makes more sense to expect tardiness than to get angry about it.
Learning to forgive
Forgiveness takes great strength and emotional maturity. Allow yourself to process the pain people have caused you, but maintain empathy for them. Think of all the grace and forgiveness given to you, and extend that to others.
A study in Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy followed victims of brutal acid attacks. The 2021 study found that victims who went through forgiveness therapy showed improvement in hope, anger and anxiety management, and symptoms of depression. Forgiveness benefits not only the forgiven but also the forgiver.
Practicing gratitude for people in your life
When a person feels unappreciated, it can quickly sour the relationship. Showing gratitude to the people in your life makes them feel loved and valued.
A gratitude practice helps you focus on the good around you. Start the day by listing things you’re grateful for, like pleasant memories with someone. Remind yourself of their importance in your life. Sending someone an appreciative note or text doesn’t hurt, either.
Prioritizing understanding over judgement
Judging others can be a tough habit to break, especially when you’ve frequently encountered people with bad intentions. Betrayals and dishonesty may build a tendency to assume the worst in others.
Stop and take a moment to change your perspective and see things from the other person’s point of view. Rather than focusing on your own emotional triggers, ask yourself what underlying issues could be causing someone to act the way they do. Childhood trauma or unmet needs could be causing a person to lash out or become avoidant. Approach conversations with understanding and compassionate love.
Finding unconditional love for yourself
Developing unconditional self-love will promote resilience throughout your life. It’s easier to overcome adversity when you have a solid sense of self to rely on. Without unconditional love for yourself, you may succumb to shame and blame yourself for things outside of your control. Learn to care for yourself through the good and the bad.
Dealing with your regrets
It may be difficult to deal with your guilt and regrets when you make mistakes. However, learning how to forgive yourself can bring you inner peace. Acknowledge the things you could have done differently, but come to terms with the fact that you can’t go back and change them.
Dealing with regret serves a purpose up to a certain point. It helps you avoid making the same mistakes again. Learn from your mistakes, but try not to let yourself become weighed down by them. Becoming a better person in the future is the only thing within your control.
Practicing self-acceptance
Self-acceptance means accepting yourself, flaws and all. If you’re frequently late or disorganized, you can work on accepting these traits. This doesn’t mean, however, that you shouldn’t work on time management or being more organized. You can still work on personal growth and improvement.
Self-acceptance simply involves recognizing your inherent worth as a human being. You won’t always be perfect, and that’s OK. Acknowledging and forgiving imperfection is a cornerstone of unconditional self-love.
Journaling through self-criticism
Using journal prompts for mental health can help you engage in self-reflection. Working through your insecurities and self-criticism leads you to their root causes.
By addressing the roots of your issues, you can reparent your inner child and assure yourself that you are worthy. Inner child work involves reflecting on harmful internalized beliefs and unlearning them. Unlearning the beliefs you acquired while growing up enables healing and personal growth.
Reciting positive affirmations
Affirmations for confidence and self-acceptance can benefit your journey toward unconditional self-love. Repeating positive things about yourself may improve your self-esteem. Simple phrases like “I am strong and capable” or “I am doing my best” can be powerful.
A study presented at the 2022 CHI conference examined the effect of typing out affirmations to reduce smartphone use. The study found that the affirmations reduced app use by 50%. Speaking words aloud or writing them down can help you believe them.
Spending time alone
Alone time is the key to knowing yourself. If you never spend time alone, it can be hard to keep from defining yourself by the presence of another person. Being alone allows you to focus on your unique interests and passions.
While being alone with your thoughts may be uncomfortable at first, it’s important to sit with that feeling. You may have repressed emotions you need to process or difficult truths you need to come to terms with.
Learning to enjoy your own company is one of the best things you can do when it comes to self-care. By becoming your own best friend, you’ll always be in good company.
When should love be unconditional?
Showing someone unconditional love and forgiveness can reach an unhealthy level when that love is taken for granted or abused. True love does not take advantage, nor is it codependent. Healthy relationships require mutual respect and autonomy. This means you feel like you can still live and make decisions independently of another person.
Unconditional love should not include tolerating:
If a person is exhibiting these behaviors or other red flags, it’s better to love them from a distance. When you forgive someone and hope they find happiness, you’re displaying unconditional positive regard. This forgiveness is a selfless act, displaying love by wishing good things upon someone no matter their role in your life.
Cultivate unconditional love with coaching
Communication is the foundation of giving and receiving unconditional love. Without strong communication skills and conflict resolution skills, misunderstandings can get in the way of that love. It’s important to build those skills for healthy relationships to give them a better chance of withstanding hardship.
With a coach’s guidance, you can learn self-compassion and compassion for others. One-on-one coaching helps you build communication skills necessary for mature relationships. Book a session with a BetterUp Coach today to start cultivating unconditional love.
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