Some levels of relationship anxiety are normal. But when you’re feeling anxious in a relationship more often than you’re enjoying it, there may be an underlying issue that needs attention.
Relationship anxiety can manifest in many ways. It can be caused by trauma experienced in previous relationships, a lack of self-love, and more. Overcoming relationship anxiety requires you to know the warning signs, what caused your anxiety, and how to differentiate between anxiety and an incompatible relationship.
What is relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety is a type of social anxiety that people feel in intimate relationships. You may feel insecure in a new relationship, fear losing the relationship, or have constant doubt, even when things are going well. These feelings can make it difficult to enjoy healthy companionship.
While it’s normal to experience some anxiety in a relationship, true relationship anxiety often comes with negative consequences. It may cause you to end the relationship prematurely out of fear that the other person will abandon you.
It can also lead to high levels of stress throughout the relationship that can affect your trust and communication. One study found that higher levels of general anxiety correlate with higher levels of distress in a person’s romantic partner within straight couples.
Meanwhile, normal anxiety in a relationship may present as a feeling of nervousness. For example, you may feel anxious at the beginning of a relationship when you’re wondering if the other person feels the same. You might also experience anxiety or “butterflies” when you and your partner take the next step in your relationship.
11 signs of relationship anxiety
Relationship anxiety can manifest in different ways. It can impact your mental health and well-being and present physical symptoms. Some common signs of relationship anxiety include the following:
- Needing constant reassurance
- Feeling unsure of your compatibility
- Questioning your partner’s motives
- Finding it difficult to trust your partner
- Looking for reasons to end a relationship
- Fearing rejection
- Avoiding your partner or certain relationship milestones
- Feeling the need to constantly please your partner
- Experiencing separation anxiety in the relationship
- Feeling suspicious of healthy relationships in your life
- Comparing your relationship to others
What causes relationship anxiety?
A variety of internal and external factors or past trauma can cause relationship anxiety. A few common causes of relationship anxiety include the following:
- Past relationship issues: Having past experiences of being cheated on, having your trust broken, or having a romantic relationship end unexpectedly can cause anxiety in future relationships
- Unresolved personal issues: A fear of abandonment can stem from childhood trauma or not having your needs met in early childhood. If these issues aren’t worked through, they can seep into your interpersonal relationships. Relationship anxiety can also stem from mental health conditions, such as an anxiety disorder.
- Low self-esteem: A history of negative self-talk can make you feel unworthy of a healthy relationship. This can make you believe a relationship is too good to be true.
- Poor communication: Relationship anxiety or a gut feeling that something is wrong can result from a lack of honest conversations. You may be unsure of where your partner stands if you haven’t talked about the state of your relationship and how you both envision the future.
How to deal with relationship anxiety
Just like other types of anxiety, you can improve relationship anxiety with practice and patience. Maybe you need to set healthy boundaries for yourself or learn how to give someone space. Or perhaps you could benefit from learning to embrace autonomy in a relationship. If one of your current relationships is at risk of dissipating, you may need to learn how to fix a relationship.
Whatever the case may be, here are a few coping strategies you can try to help you overcome relationship anxiety.
Be transparent with your partner
Facing constant worry about your relationship can keep you from voicing your feelings. You may be afraid that sharing your fears might push your partner away. However, a 2021 study built on long-standing research suggests communication is the bedrock of relationship satisfaction.
Your partner can only help address your worries if they know about them. Try voicing your concerns by channeling effective communication strategies. Explain why you think you might be feeling this way and ask for their thoughts on the state of your relationship.
Having this conversation can make you feel more confident and assured while also deepening your relationship through emotional connection. If your partner is open to it, couples coaching or counseling may also help.
Reflect before you act
At times, relationship anxiety may cause a rush of emotions that can make you reactive. Maybe your partner decided to go out for a night with friends without you, or they said something that made you worry they no longer like you.
Before you react, take a step back to acknowledge the emotions you’re feeling and why you’re feeling them. Think about your partner’s motivation for saying or doing something that made you uneasy.
Anxiety journaling is a great way to help you work through your emotions and make sense of them in the present moment. Journaling is proven to help reduce symptoms of anxiety by helping with emotional regulation. This can help you know yourself better and calmly gather your thoughts before talking with your partner.
Challenge negative thinking patterns
Negative thought patterns are a series of automatic negative thoughts that quickly come one after another. These thoughts may include denial, inaccurate assumptions, and unwarranted self-criticisms.
For example, let’s say your partner asked you for some time alone. For someone with relationship anxiety, this situation could spiral into negative thoughts like the following:
- “Maybe they don’t like me anymore.”
- “They’re obviously no longer interested in spending time with me.”
- “They don’t want to be around me.”
- “Nobody will ever want to be with me.”
These thoughts are often emotion-driven, leading to worst-case-scenario thinking that can make you react negatively. It’s important to recognize these thoughts and challenge them by questioning their accuracy.
For example, if you have the thought, “They don’t love me anymore,” ask yourself what evidence you have to prove that. You can also ask whether the thought is helpful or hurtful by thinking about whether the thought might set you back.
You can also try putting yourself in their shoes. Consider whether you’ve ever needed space or alone time, and ask yourself if it was because you didn’t love the person you were with. This can help you process the situation more clearly.
Work on cultivating self-love and self-esteem
Sometimes, you may experience relationship anxiety due to a lack of self-esteem and self-love. You may feel like you don’t deserve to be in a good relationship or that your anxiety would be a burden on your partner. These feelings can keep you from enjoying the relationship, or they may prevent you from pursuing a relationship at all.
Try creating a self-care plan that prioritizes self-compassion to build confidence and self-esteem. Start by recognizing that relationship anxiety is not a character flaw or a result of something you did. Make a list of what you think you excel at in your relationships, including in friendships. If you’re stuck, consider your love languages to help you recognize how you give and receive love.
Next, make a list of relationship or friendship goals. These are goals you set for yourself to help improve your relationships and cultivate new ones. For example, you can set a goal to avoid compromising your beliefs and values.
Other ways to cultivate self-love include journaling, nurturing positive self-talk with positive affirmations, and practicing gratitude.
Understand your attachment style
Attachment styles refer to how people behave in relationships. These styles, which are based on the theory of attachment, are often developed in early childhood. Attachment style theory believes that how your primary caregiver treated you as a child sets the stage for all future relationships.
Different types of attachment styles exist, including a secure attachment style, avoidant attachment style, and anxious attachment style. Healthy relationships often result from a secure attachment style, which means you are confident in giving and receiving support. A person with this attachment style gives their partner an appropriate amount of attention without being “clingy.”
An anxious attachment style often manifests as a fear of abandonment. People with this attachment style crave emotional closeness and may feel dependent on their partners for emotional support. A 2023 study showed that those with an anxious attachment style also perceive more conflict in their relationships and may be less agreeable. This style most closely aligns with relationship anxiety.
It’s important to understand your attachment style to build healthy relationships. If you know you tend to lean toward an anxious attachment style, you can actively work to combat those thoughts and self-soothe to avoid spiraling.
Talk to a professional
Breaking relationship anxiety takes work, and it’s OK to ask for help. If you’re struggling to overcome your fears, consider engaging in different types of therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or psychiatry to learn to cope. This could be individual counseling or couples therapy.
You can also enlist the help of a relationship coach. These coaches specialize in helping individuals improve their relationships for greater quality of life. Relationship coaches can help you build rapport and trust, better your conflict resolution skills, and improve your communication skills.
Differentiating relationship anxiety vs. relationship problems
Because relationship anxiety can also stem from true incompatibilities, it can be difficult to tell whether what you’re experiencing is relationship anxiety or not love.
You may feel anxious because you’re falling out of love and looking for a reason to break up. You may also have anxious thoughts because your significant other has some toxic traits that make you uncomfortable.
It’s important to consider the health of your relationship and your overall feelings toward your partner to make sure it’s truly anxiety and nothing more. To help you differentiate between these feelings, consider the following negative and positive signs surrounding your relationship.
Some red flags in a relationship include:
Some green flags in a relationship include:
In the end, this differentiation might come down to trusting your gut. Consider whether you see a future with this person and feel excited about what’s to come.
Overcome relationship anxiety to enjoy deeper connections
Relationship anxiety can feel unnerving, especially when you’re afraid you may lose someone you love. The good news is that you can reduce this type of anxiety with personal work and transparency. Engaging a relationship coach can help speed the process.
Take back control of your feelings. Work with a BetterUp Coach to manage your relationship anxiety and foster stronger, more resilient interpersonal relationships.
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