If you’ve ever felt like a relationship was too good to be true, you may have experienced love bombing. Love bombing is a manipulative behavior designed to flatter you and gain your trust. Despite how good it might feel in the beginning, love bombing is a toxic trait that typically leads to hurt and conflict.
Still, there may be times a love bomber has good intentions and doesn’t understand that their behavior can be unhealthy. This article will help you spot the warning signs of love bombing, offer ways it differs from genuine interest, and provide tips to help you heal.
What is love bombing?
Love bombing is a manipulative tactic that disguises emotionally abusive behavior as excessive romantic interest. A love bomber may make grandiose gestures, give constant compliments, or talk about the future early in a new relationship. These strategies help them gain power over you by earning your affection.
Romantic partners may engage in love bombing based on the following motivators:
- Loneliness: They may have a strong desire to be in a relationship
- Indecision: They may want to ensure you’ll stick around while they decide whether they want a serious relationship with you
- Manipulation: They may intentionally take advantage of you for personal or financial gain
Love bombing can be calculated and deliberate, or the person may not realize they’re doing it. Regardless of their intentions, it’s important to recognize manipulative behaviors that get in the way of healthy relationships, such as gaslighting and mental abuse.
11 signs of love bombing
As emotional vampires, love bombers who are purposefully manipulative use mentally controlling tactics that may leave you feeling anxious or insecure. If your new partner exhibits any of the following behaviors, it might be a warning sign of love bombing:
- Avoidance: They don’t want to be around your friends or family members
- Overcommunication: They’re in constant contact when you’re apart through texts or phone calls or want to continuously share locations
- Grand gestures: They share over-the-top declarations of love or displays of affection
- Unwanted gift-giving: They shower you with lavish gifts as a sign of their love interest
- Lack of respect: They don’t respect the healthy boundaries you’ve set for yourself or your romantic relationships
- Moving quickly: They want to make your relationship “official” right away, or they rush you to move in together
- Using strong words: They tell you they love you early on and use words like “soulmate”
- Excessive flattery: They use exaggerated compliments like “There’s no one more perfect than you” or “I’d be nothing without you.”
- Uncontrolled jealousy: They become irrationally jealous when you want to spend time with family or friends
- Total agreement: They share all of your interests and hobbies and agree with nearly everything you say
- Signs of narcissism: They have tendencies of a narcissist or show signs of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), such as feeling entitled, lacking empathy, and using people for their own gain
Love bombers may do a few of these things, but they won’t always exhibit each type of behavior. Regardless, these are all red flags in a relationship and signs of toxic traits that you should take seriously.
Stages of the love bombing cycle (and examples)
Love bombing often occurs in three stages:
- Idealization
- Devaluation
- Discard
It’s called a love bombing cycle because it often repeats itself throughout the course of the relationship. You may experience each stage more than once.
Idealization stage
In the idealization stage, a love bomber works to gain your attention and make you comfortable. Victims of love bombing often feel so happy during this stage that they don’t notice any potential for manipulation.
Love bombing examples in the idealization stage include:
- Giving you expensive jewelry for no reason
- Constantly giving you praise
- Being overly affectionate
- Mirroring the things you do and say
- Talking about the future early and often
The goal is to earn your loyalty and encourage you to let your guard down. This sets the stage for the next step in the cycle of abuse.
Devaluation stage
During the devaluation stage, manipulation often becomes more apparent. Your partner may put demands on you or exhibit an unexpected temperament change. Devaluation is characterized by feelings of anxiety and confusion about what happened.
Common love bombing behaviors in this stage include the following:
- Trying to control how you spend your time
- Giving you the silent treatment
- Blaming you for everything
- Disregarding your boundaries
- Making you question your feelings or distrusting yourself
- Asking you to love bomb them in return because you “owe them”
This stage may make you feel as if you’re walking on eggshells or cause you to fear you’ll upset your partner. You might feel alone and find yourself making excuses for their behavior. You may also feel embarrassed to share these dynamics with friends or family at this stage.
Discard stage
In the discard stage, you may decide you’ve had enough and try to confront your partner. You might fight to create healthy boundaries that set your relationship on a smoother path. However, your partner will likely disagree with you and may be impossible to reason with. This can make you feel stuck.
The love bomber may exhibit the following love bombing signs in the discard stage:
- Playing the victim
- Betraying you
- Exhibiting cruel behavior
- Breaking up with you
- Disappearing entirely
You may decide to leave the relationship only to be met with apologies and renewed flattery. Essentially, your partner may decide to turn the charm back on to convince you to stay. This is when the cycle can start over with the idealization stage.
Love bombing vs. genuine interest: key differences
Because everyone shows affection differently in relationships, it’s not always easy to spot a love bomber early on. You may have a potential partner who grew up in an affectionate family that prioritized physical touch and gift-giving. Words of affirmation may be their main love language or the way they prefer to show love to others.
Consider the following differences between love bombing and a loving relationship when you can’t tell whether the interest is genuine.
They're not consistent
Because love bombing is a cycle, it’s uncommon for a love bomber to show the same emotions consistently. One day, they might proclaim their love for you, but then they might make accusations or punish you for speaking your mind. This can stem from poor emotional regulation.
If your partner seems to keep switching from one mood to another, it might be a sign of love bombing.
You don't feel secure
True love should bring you positive emotions most of the time. Feeling uneasy or like something is “off” could be a sign of a serious relationship problem.
A good way to figure out where those feelings are coming from is to talk with your partner about them. If they respond defensively or try to place blame on you, you may be dealing with a love bomber.
They don't respect your boundaries
Not respecting boundaries is a major red flag. Your partner should care about making you feel comfortable and confident in the relationship. This means not crossing any lines you’ve communicated and listening when you say “no” to something.
If you’re with someone who won’t respect your boundaries, it may be a sign to let them go.
You feel bad for having your own life
If your partner gets angry or overly jealous when you spend time with other people, it might make you feel guilty. You might start to prioritize those relationships less to keep your partner happy. Feeling like you can’t make your own decisions or do things that are important to you may be a sign of a larger issue.
You often feel pressured
Partners in healthy relationships won’t pressure you into something you’re not ready for. A love bomber may push you to take responsibility for something you didn’t do or to answer their every call. They might pressure you to buy them expensive gifts by reminding you of what they’ve bought you.
If you feel controlled in any way, it’s worth taking a step back and reflecting on what’s causing the feeling. You can do this by journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or seeking professional help from a therapist, counselor, or relationship coach. Getting help is important since love bombing can be an early sign of abuse.
How to handle a love bomber
If you think you might be in a relationship with a love bomber, consider the facts and situation. Not all love bombers have bad intentions, and some may not realize they’re coming across that way. If that’s the case, you may be able to fix the relationship.
To help determine your next move, ask yourself these questions:
- Am I better off with or without my partner?
- Can I set boundaries, or has my partner already broken my boundaries?
- Do I trust my partner has the right intentions?
- Where do I see this relationship going?
- How would my partner react if I expressed my feelings to them?
You don’t always have to handle love bombing with a breakup. If you feel like your partner is with you for the right reasons, or if you believe they can make your life better, it’s worth having an honest conversation. Couples counseling may also be a good option to improve your communication in the relationship.
Healing after love bombing
Emotional abuse can cause short-term and long-term health effects. In the short term, you may feel anxious or confused. In the long term, you could feel like you’ve lost your sense of self or experience low self-esteem. Certain behaviors may become triggers in new relationships if you worry about love bombing happening again.
Here are a few healthy steps you can take if you’re recovering from love bombing:
- Reach out for help from loved ones or a professional
- Avoid placing blame on yourself by reminding yourself love bombing is a type of abusive relationship
- Create a self-care plan to prioritize your mental health and emotional well-being
- Avoid engaging with the love bomber if the relationship has ended
By taking the time to heal, you can set yourself up for healthier relationships down the road.
Heal from love bombing with relationship coaching
If you’ve experienced love bombing, you’re not alone. It’s important to know how to spot the warning signs so you can address them before you become too invested.
Love bombing can be traumatic, and it can leave you dealing with insecurities and isolation. Relationship coaching can empower you to navigate the complexities and aftermath of love bombing by building your confidence and self-awareness.
Work with a BetterUp Coach to take back control of your life and experience the healthy relationships you deserve.
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