Want to live a long, healthy, and happy life? Prioritize your relationships. A lack of social connections has negative physical and mental health consequences. Yet we all know it’s hard to make friends as an adult, let alone repair relationships on the rocks.
So, what do you do when your relationships are struggling? It helps to start by analyzing your relationship as well as yourself. Keep reading to learn how to fix a relationship using self-reflection, boundaries, and coach-led personal growth.
Understanding what needs repair in your romantic and platonic relationships
You can’t begin to heal your relationships until you identify what needs repair. This includes identifying relationship red flags and their root causes. Looking inward and practicing relational mindfulness are also necessary, as relationships are influenced by both parties, not just one.
Relationship red flags
It isn’t always easy to know if you’re in a toxic relationship, but your gut might tell you something is off. Analyze your relationships and role in them, then look for common red flags.
1. You don't trust them
Does your best friend or partner fail to follow through on promises or repeatedly disappoint you? Do you feel like they take advantage of your relationship? If so, chances are they’ve done things to damage your trust.
For example, say your friend promises to submit your resume to the hiring manager at their workplace but doesn’t follow through. Granted, sometimes people can’t follow through on promises for legitimate reasons. But repeatedly feeling let down can damage trust, which might mean it’s better to let go of that individual.
2. You adopt toxic behaviors when you're with them
Consider whether your relationship brings out your best qualities or your worst. When a friend exhibits toxic traits, they tend to spread those traits to those close to them.
If you don’t feel like your best self when you spend time together, chances are you’re inadvertently picking up on their toxicity. You might find a toxic relationship brings out the following qualities in you:
You may also experience increased fear due to a toxic relationship. Feeling as if you’re walking on eggshells when your friend or partner is around is another sign of a toxic relationship.
3. You're embarrassed to hang out with them in public
Does your friend or partner say or do things that make you uncomfortable? This may be an indication that your values don’t align.
This can look like the following:
4. You feel taken advantage of
Good relationships are reciprocal and involve both parties putting in equal effort. Even when your friend or partner can’t reciprocate, it’s important you know they ultimately have good intentions.
For example, a good friend won’t vent to you and then tune you out when you need their support. Instead, they’re available to listen and validate you when needed.
5. You second-guess yourself
Good relationships build confidence based on open communication. If hanging out with your BFF leaves you questioning yourself or engaging in negative self-talk, it might be time to move on from the relationship.
This can show up in ways like these:
- Gaslighting you so you question reality
- Criticizing you
- Turning your failures against you
- Making fun of you
Similarly, a good friend isn’t afraid to tell it like it is in a way that doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself. Brené Brown, author of “Dare to Lead,” writes that telling others what they want to hear or softening the truth isn’t kindness. Instead, it’s usually more about making ourselves feel comfortable rather than helping the other person.
When it comes down to it, a genuine and straightforward approach to sharing feedback is a hallmark of a meaningful and supportive friendship.
Understanding the root causes of broken relationships
If you find yourself reacting with some of these red flags, you may wonder why this relationship causes you to behave this way. Look inward to understand the root causes and begin to heal them. A healthy sense of self-awareness helps you see the effect you have on those around you and allows you to strengthen relationships.
Past hurts
Trauma and past experiences can cause you to develop adaptive behaviors to protect yourself from further hurt. This can range from a reluctance to trust others to emotional unavailability.
Such past hurts and resulting insecurities can lead to insecure attachments or relationships where you fear abandonment. This may cause you to feel jealous or try to control others.
If this sounds familiar, don’t shame yourself. The habits you developed from past experiences were intended to protect you at that moment. A more positive approach focuses on developing self-acceptance and healing trauma.
Communication gaps
Strong relationships revolve around open communication. This means both individuals feel safe sharing their needs, concerns, and issues.
Healthy communication also considers your responses to your partner or friend. Do you validate and accept their experience, needs, and requests?
How you respond can make or break a relationship, so leave space for others to express themselves without getting defensive, refocusing the conversation on yourself, or invalidating them.
Unmet needs
We all have needs, which is a natural part of being human. But if your relationships don’t leave you feeling fulfilled and appreciated, you might start withdrawing or putting less effort into them.
It’s also important to assess whether it’s appropriate to rely on a relationship to meet certain needs. For example, if you constantly seek validation from your friends, you may need to address the larger problem: low self-esteem. Feeling self-conscious can also lead to toxic relationship behaviors like over-competitiveness and defensiveness.
How to fix a relationship: laying the foundation for repair
Communicate openly and honestly
There’s no room for lies in a good relationship, even lies by omission.
We may believe we’re protecting someone by hiding the truth from them, but this robs the other person of something that could deeply impact their life, writes clinical psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera. More often than not, we leave out the truth to protect ourselves and not our partner or friend.
Consider why you’re reluctant to communicate. Is it due to fear of how they’ll react? If you feel this way, consider whether you’re making assumptions about how they’ll respond to you instead of basing your fear on reality.
Don’t mistake honest communication for being overly critical. Open communication doesn’t attack the other person or their character but focuses instead on actions or behaviors. On the other hand, criticisms typically use these phrases like these:
- “You always …
- You never…
- Why do you …
- Why don’t you … ”
Starting a conversation with one of these phrases puts the other person on the defensive, writes Kendra Han, the director of couples services at The Gottman Institute.
Own your mistakes and apologize sincerely
If your idea of conflict resolution doesn’t involve an apology, you might want to rethink your strategy. True conflict resolution requires owning our mistakes and making sincere apologies. Even if we reach common ground with the other person, accepting responsibility and apologizing goes a long way toward rebuilding trust.
Some people may not fully consider how to make a sincere apology. They’re afraid to show vulnerability or are ashamed of the behavior they need to apologize for. They may give you a non-apology, which sounds like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or they avoid apologizing altogether.
The thing is, avoiding apologies can destroy relationships. To begin healing, you need to show vulnerability and be brave enough to engage in difficult conversations, writes LePera.
Practice forgiveness
Even if you decide to end a toxic relationship rather than repair it, forgiveness is an essential step toward healing. When we refuse to or simply can’t forgive, we continue to experience resentment, anger, despair, sorrow, and confusion.
These emotions can negatively impact our health, not to mention our relationships. A recent study by Everett Worthington, Ph.D., a Department of Psychology professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, found that practicing forgiveness leads to better mental health and improved well-being.
Forgiveness allows you to reset a relationship and start fresh.
Rebuild trust and connection
A damaged relationship isn’t always doomed. But rebuilding trust and connection requires both internal and external work and effort by both parties.
Spend quality time together
Our lives can be demanding, and between work, taking care of kids, and household chores, we can start to feel distant from our partners and friends. If you crave closeness and communication, consider scheduling quality time.
Quality time is one of the five love languages Dr. Gary Chapman discusses in his book, “The 5 Love Languages.” While the book focuses on romantic relationships, quality time is important for friendships, too.
When you engage in quality time, you give the other person your undivided attention. This doesn’t mean you need to sit face-to-face and make constant eye contact. Quality time can involve sharing an activity as well.
Chapman notes that, no matter how people spend time together, the most important thing is focusing on each other. This tells the other person in the relationship you care about them and enjoy spending time with them.
Demonstrate acts of kindness and appreciation
Good relationships seek to meet your need for connection, whether you express it verbally or nonverbally. Along with setting aside quality time, friends or partners can connect through acts of kindness and appreciation.
This can involve words like stating how and why they appreciate you. It can also involve actions, such as sending a long-distance friend flowers when you hear their pet passed away.
Even small acts of kindness, like a quick text to let a friend know you’re thinking of them, can add up to a big impact.
Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries are a key quality of healthy relationships. Without them, you let others take advantage of your time, space, and emotions. With boundaries, you prevent others from draining your mental well-being, whether on purpose or by accident.
Your boundaries may look different for each relationship, and that’s okay. It may even be ideal. There’s no reason you should feel the need to maintain the same boundaries with your friends that you do with your loved ones.
Boundaries foster connection between two people by maintaining individuality. We need to understand where our personality ends and theirs begins, writes Brené Brown in her book, “Atlas of the Heart.” She adds that a sense of autonomy promotes compassion and empathy in the relationship.
Healthy boundaries also tell you when it’s time to end a relationship. They allow you to identify relationship red flags and give you the confidence to move on.
Tools for lasting change across relationships
Communication skills
Without clear and transparent conversations, our emotions, responses, and actions are based on assumptions. We may try to assume how the other person is feeling or misunderstand the intention behind their actions. Developing communication skills helps us build healthy relationships where we feel empowered to clarify intent and check in on others’ emotions.
While communication is a two-way street, we can’t control how others react or feel, but we can control our own actions and emotions, says Catherine Molloy in her 2022 TED Talk, “Think Before You Speak.”
One way you can foster transparent communication in your relationships is by actively listening to the other person and trying to understand their point of view. Other communication exercises you can practice together include:
- Check-ins: Share your successes and challenges of the day. This allows you to open up to the other person and continuously improve your relationship.
- Clarifying whether they want advice: Sometimes, all we want is to vent, so it’s helpful to ask your partner or friend if they want you to listen or are asking for advice.
- Sharing laughter: Laughing together can increase bonding. Similarly, not being afraid to be silly in front of each other means your relationship is built on confidence and trust.
Self-care and emotional regulation
Self-care is critical to maintaining healthy relationships. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Prioritizing self-care enables you to turn inward when you need validation or a self-esteem boost rather than relying on others. This strengthens your personal boundaries and helps you honor others’ boundaries as well.
Additionally, emotional regulation fosters healthy relationships with others and with yourself. This is the ability to control your emotions in a positive way. It doesn’t mean numbing your feelings but finding healthy ways to diffuse strong emotions.
This type of emotional maturity is essential for creating long-lasting relationships. It’s also a huge draw when it comes to dating: A 2023 study by Match.com found that 82% of singles want a romantic partner who’s emotionally mature.
Building a repair toolkit
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, misunderstandings bloom, and weeds of resentment take root in our relationships. Thankfully, there are ways you can mend fences.
1. Cultivate empathy
Empathy lets you see relationship problems from your friend’s or partner’s perspective. If you’re trying to resolve conflict, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their perspective.
Engage in active listening and ask clarifying questions to understand how your actions make your partner feel. Even if you don’t agree, acknowledge their feelings and avoid getting defensive.
2. Learn how to apologize
Sincere apologies rebuild trust, but a simple “I’m sorry” doesn’t always cut it. You need to take ownership of your mistakes and express genuine remorse. This shows the other person that you value the relationship and are committed to making things right.
A sincere apology involves:
- Acknowledging your actions
- Expressing regret for the hurt you caused
- Outlining the steps you’ll take to avoid repeating the mistake
3. Actively listen
Don’t just hear their words. Give your partner or friend your full attention and make an effort to understand their message.
Active listening fosters emotional connection and open communication. Giving someone your full attention shows you care about what they have to say. Leave judgment out of the conversation to create a safe place for them to share their vulnerability.
4. Learn to forgive
Forgiveness isn’t just vital for healthy relationships; it’s vital for personal health, too. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re okay with what they said or did. It helps you let go of resentment and other negative emotions so you can heal.
You can begin to forgive by acknowledging how holding onto anger harms you. Reframe the situation by focusing on the future rather than the past. This also helps you accept relationships as they are and replace negative thoughts with positive thinking.
5. Practice gratitude
If you’re experiencing a rough patch, take a step back and appreciate the good things. Expressing gratitude reminds you why you value the relationship and can shift your focus from negativity to positivity.
You can express gratitude to your partner or friend by:
- Sharing the specific aspects of your relationship you find most beneficial
- Letting them know how much you appreciate specific qualities they exhibit
- Engaging in acts of kindness, like making them dinner or picking up their groceries
Reaching harmony in your romantic relationships
Couples therapy
Contrary to what many believe, couples therapy doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is broken. Instead, it is a proactive investment.
With the right guidance, couples counseling gives you the tools to overcome challenges and nurture a healthy, happy relationship. Therapy supports your relationship by providing the following:
- A safe space for honest and open communication with your couples therapist as a neutral guide
- An opportunity to navigate disagreements in a productive way using conflict resolution skills
- A supportive environment where your couples counselor walks through communication exercises for rebuilding trust and encourages you to be accountable
- A safe place to explore emotional needs and address barriers to intimacy so you can rekindle love and passion
If your partner isn’t open to seeking professional help together, a relationship coach may be a helpful alternative. These coaches help you understand your relationships and resolve interpersonal issues.
Identifying your relationship needs
Relationships thrive when each person’s needs are fulfilled. But sometimes, identifying both your and your partner’s needs can feel like deciphering a secret code. This is where open communication and self-reflection can help.
Start by paying attention to your emotions: What makes you feel happy, loved, appreciated, and secure? What makes you feel lonely, frustrated, or resentful? You can identify non-negotiables in your partnership by reflecting on past relationships to determine what worked well and what didn’t.
You can also reflect on some common relationship needs to see which ones resonate with you, such as:
- Affection and intimacy: Openly discuss what makes you feel most loved and appreciated and actively seek ways to meet each other’s needs for intimacy.
- Respect and trust: Feeling valued, heard, and supported is essential. Communicate your expectations and boundaries to build trust and healthy bonds.
- Shared values and goals: Make it a habit to discuss your values, life goals, and hopes for the future. Talk about ways to support each other’s growth while nurturing shared aspirations and personal goals.
- Fun and adventure: Make time to play, explore new things, and find ways to laugh together. These experiences create lasting memories.
You don't have to learn how to fix a relationship alone
An objective third party can help you identify your needs and work toward fulfillment to cultivate relationships that thrive on mutual understanding, appreciation, and love. A BetterUp coach can also help you focus on personal growth to better give back to the relationships you value.
With science-based tools and exercises, your coach helps you develop conflict resolution, active listening, and emotional regulation skills. Additionally, a relationship with your BetterUp coach can push you out of your comfort zone to help you realize your true potential and become the best version of yourself
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