Friendships are some of the most important connections you create. The bonds you share with friends are often different from those you have with a partner or relative, and there’s something special about how emotionally involved and trusting you can become with best friends.
This is likely why a friendship breakup can be just as difficult as a romantic breakup.
It’s understandable to feel upset when going through a friendship breakup and grieving the loss of that connection. Regardless of how long-term your relationship was, you’re letting go of a person who was significant and meaningful to you.
If you’re struggling with the pain of a friendship breakup, understanding how to move forward after losing a friend can help.
The heartbreak of a friendship breakup
Whether you recently had a falling out with a childhood best friend or stopped speaking to a close neighbor, the sadness and hurt caused by a friendship breakup can feel devastating.
Breaking up with a friend involves the loss of someone who was, at one point, important in your life. It’s understandable that this pain can sting. Much like with a romantic relationship, you may also feel confusion, guilt, or betrayal if your friendship ended over conflict.
Maybe your good friend ghosted you unexpectedly. Maybe you said something hurtful to your best friend when emotions were high and you couldn’t fix the relationship after the fact. Maybe you and a close friend simply grew apart. Whatever it was, it’s completely valid to feel sad and upset about losing that person.
How to get over a friendship breakup
Grief comes in many forms, and people can grieve for a variety of reasons, including a lost friendship.
If you’re trying to get over the hurt of a friendship breakup and feeling a wave of complicated emotions, you’re not alone. Research shows that friendship breakups can cause anything from peace and acceptance to anxiety and sadness. Sometimes, these emotions can occur all in one day.
Regardless of how long-term or intimate your interpersonal relationships with people like coworkers, friends, relatives, and partners are, they can impact your emotions. Romantic relationships and close friendships both involve intimacy that can leave an emotional void when things end.
The ending of a friendship doesn’t always have to lead to a fully negative experience, however. You can use the situation as an opportunity for growth and self-compassion. Reflect on your role in the breakup, how it impacts you, and how you can learn from those lessons to move forward as a better version of yourself.
Although it can take some time, healing from a friend breakup is possible with a few helpful actions.
Take time to grieve the relationship
Complicated and even conflicting emotions can feel overwhelming. That’s why it’s important to give yourself time to process your emotions after you experience a friendship breakup. Each person deals with grief in their own way, and some people need more time than others to move on after the loss of a friendship.
Be gentle with yourself and allow plenty of time and space to feel the difficult emotions that come up as you grieve the loss of your best friend. All five stages of grief teach you to honor your emotions, accept the reality of the situation, and learn resilience as you figure out the best way to move on and heal. Be patient with yourself as you cope with hurt or betrayal, and honor your feelings as they arise.
Reflect on the "why"
Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships, including healthy relationships, and sometimes friendships end. Still, something as hard as losing a close friendship may offer an opportunity for self-development.
If you and your ex-friend were arguing often or clashing over small things more than you would have liked, you can process the “why” behind those arguments and use what you learn to handle interpersonal conflict better in the future. This can benefit many of your other relationships in life.
Reflect on why you think it ended and how you can make an effort to get along better with others as you make new friends in the future. Even if you don’t feel the emotional closure you’d like, self-reflection can help you heal and move on.
Maybe you feel sad, hurt, abandoned, or even betrayed by the words or actions of your former best friend. Perhaps you were the one who behaved in a way you regret, and now you’re dealing with the consequences. It’s all right to recognize how you or the other could have been a better friend.
Talk it out
It’s a major blessing to have family members or a friend group you can rely on when times get tough. If you’re going through a friend breakup and have a community of support around you, try leaning on them. The people who love and care about you can be an invaluable resource as you process your emotions and find coping strategies for your grief and hurt.
Talk about your feelings and what happened with people you trust. For some, this may even include turning to a therapist to discuss the situation and dive deep.
No matter how self-aware you may be, having conversations with your loved ones can still provide helpful insight and advice. Their perspective may help you uncover new ways to deal with this hardship and find some sense of closure.
Lean into other friendships
A healthy social goal for yourself could be cultivating and spending time with a well-rounded social circle. One major benefit of this is having emotional support during times of loss, pain, or conflict.
Even if you have mutual friends, breaking up with one friend doesn’t have to affect the other close friendships in your life. Now is the time to nurture and deepen your relationships with your other friends, remembering they’re there to help you. Lean into these connections for support and fun, whether that means spending time with someone you lost touch with or setting up a dinner date with another good friend.
Prioritize meeting new people
You may end up feeling alone or isolated after a close friendship is over. It might even leave you tempted to spend more time by yourself and wallow in your negative emotions. While this is a common reaction to grief, it isn’t the healthiest way to move on and find closure.
Instead, expand your social circle, connect with people, and form new friendships. It may feel awkward at first, but this can do you a world of good. Getting out and about, engaging in group activities, and creating new memories with others will help you see the light at the end of the friend breakup tunnel.
While you’re building new friendships, stay intentional about setting boundaries and honoring your personal values. It’s a good idea to form bonds with others who share similar belief systems or passions so you feel seen and understood for who you are.
After a friend breakup, setting boundaries (especially in how you handle conflict with a new friend) can also benefit any future friendships you might form. Communicating and honoring your needs and boundaries is a cornerstone of healthy, fulfilling relationships.
If you aren’t sure how to make new friends as an adult, start small and try things like visiting your local farmers market and sparking up a conversation with a stranger. Try joining an intramural team for a sport you enjoy or taking a group fitness or art class in your neighborhood. You can even try meeting people online if you feel more comfortable starting with a digital connection via social media or hobby forums.
Explore new interests
Have you ever wanted to try your hand at making pottery or learn to cook a certain type of cuisine? The period after a friendship ends may be the perfect time to try a new hobby or explore a specific interest.
Finding a way to keep busy, learn a new skill, or engage in an activity you enjoy, such as gardening, woodworking, or arts and crafts, can help your mental health. Rather than focusing on your sadness, try enjoying being present in new ways.
Take care of yourself
It may sound cliché, but self-care is incredibly important for your health and well-being. You don’t have to take nightly bubble baths or create an elaborate workout routine to properly focus on yourself.
Engaging in a self-care practice after a friend breakup can be as simple as anxiety journaling about your feelings and frustrations before going to bed. You can also take time for yourself and clear your mind by taking a walk to get sunlight in the morning.
How to break up with a friend
As with a romantic breakup, sometimes being the one to end a friendship can be even harder than being dumped yourself. Apart from whether or not your best friend has toxic traits, you may still feel as if a lost friendship means you’re leaving something meaningful behind.
If you need to close the chapter on a toxic friendship, here are a few tips on how to break up with a friend:
- Use “I” statements to talk about your feelings and ensure you aren’t coming across as accusing or blaming them, even if you feel they were in the wrong.
- Go into as much detail as you feel comfortable with, but don’t overwhelm them with all the reasons you don’t want to be friends anymore.
- Express gratitude for the positive things you’re taking away from the friendship, even if you’re having a hard time acknowledging them in the moment.
- Remember to practice empathy and let them down gently rather than saying things that will intentionally cause them pain.
- Stay firm in your decision, even if they try to change your mind or cross the healthy boundaries you’re setting.
- Wish them well, and mean it.
- Give them space and time apart to process their own emotions and grieve the loss, both in the moment and after you have the conversation.
Is it normal to have friendship breakups?
If you’re going through a friendship breakup, you can rest assured that you’re not alone. They occur more frequently than you might realize. Conflict, no matter how difficult or devastating, is an inevitable part of being human. We all make mistakes, and whether it's a romantic partner or your best friend, sometimes relationships just don’t work out.
Research shows that friend breakups are a common occurrence throughout our lives, especially in young adulthood and/or times of transition and change. Letting go of someone, especially a good friend, can be painful, but it’s not impossible to feel closure and move forward.
Friendship breakups are hard, but healing is possible
Experiencing any kind of loss is tough, and it’s understandable to need time and support in the wake of a lost friendship. Whether you were the one who ultimately made this decision or vice versa, a friend breakup can cause you to feel like a bad friend. You may grieve, experience loneliness and pain, or even gain peace and mental clarity, all at the same time.
While you’re grieving a friendship, leaning on your other best friends and family, branching out by trying new hobbies, and forming new friendships can help you let go and move on.
So can talking with a coach. Get started with a BetterUp Coach to reach your full potential and create healthy, strong relationships in your life.
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