The fawn response is a way that some people respond to traumatic stress, such as abuse. Similar to the fight-or-flight response, it’s an instinctual behavior triggered by our inner survival instincts. The goal is to lessen the chance of harm as much as possible.
Recognizing and addressing fawn response is crucial for developing assertiveness, self-respect, and healthy boundaries. It’s important to build your self-awareness by understanding your past traumatic experiences, the different types of trauma responses to conflict, and how you can create positive change for your mental health.
What is fawn response?
The fawn response is when you attempt to avoid harm by using people-pleasing behaviors. It’s a complex trauma response that aims to avoid conflict and disapproval by appeasing the suppressor, even when it’s at the expense of your own needs, boundaries, or emotions.
Also called fawning or appeasement, the term was coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker. He describes it as an instinctive response to different types of trauma, especially childhood trauma, and complex PTSD (CPTSD). He asserts that the fawn response is typically learned early in life due to a trauma-based relationship with one’s caregiver.
The child learns to become helpful in the face of childhood abuse as a strategy to survive. Instead of fighting back or fleeing the situation, the child forfeits any needs that might inconvenience their caretaker and focuses on “serving” them instead.
Over time, emotional triggers or signs of threat can cause this response of servitude. This can lead to a loss of autonomy in relationships and an anxious attachment style, which centers on a fear of losing close relationships. It can also impact the way you build relationships and prevent you from being your authentic self in favor of people pleasing.
What causes someone to develop the fawn response?
The fawn response often develops when traditional fight-or-flight responses lead to more danger. For example, a child may have learned that when they push back against abusive behavior, they’re punished with even more abuse or neglect. Similarly, they may know that running away would only elevate their caregiver’s anger, which could lead to greater harm through retaliation.
While fawning is often thought of as a response to child abuse, it can also develop in other types of relationships. This includes having a violent domestic partner or being bullied at work or school.
Fawn response examples
Fawning may look different across different circumstances. Behaviors you exhibit when fawning are catered to meet the demands of others. However, there are common fawn response examples that apply to many stressful situations:
- Denying that you’re abused to avoid getting in trouble
- Smiling or laughing about an experience that hurt you
- Refraining from saying “no” to requests
- Appeasing by agreeing with all of someone else’s perspectives without voicing your own
- Excessively complimenting your abuser
- Being overly apologetic and people pleasing, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
How do you fix a fawn response?
Fixing a fawn response requires self-awareness and prioritizing your own needs and boundaries. You can start the healing process and combat this trauma response by building a healthy support network and learning to say “no.” Professional help may also be beneficial.
Overcoming your fawn response takes emotional labor and requires you to face your stressors head-on. Here are a few suggestions to help you learn how to heal from fawn response.
Recognize your patterns
Fixing the problem begins with recognizing the problem. Because the fawn response can look different between individuals, it’s important that you understand what a fawn response looks like for you. This involves identifying which thought and behavior patterns may be harmful to your well-being.
One way to begin recognizing these patterns is to start journaling. When you become aware of an unhealthy thought or behavior, write it down. Add details about the situation or conflict, the emotions you felt at the time, and who you were with. Journaling supports cognitive processing and emotional expression, which can make it easier to connect the dots over time.
Reflect on your own needs
The fawn response is characterized by ignoring your personal needs. To help combat this habit, start considering what’s important to you. Think about your personal values and which areas of your life you’re unhappy with. Once you’ve identified a few needs, you can create short-term and long-term goals to help you meet them.
Prioritize yourself
Start advocating for yourself and your boundaries. Instead of agreeing with everyone else or trying to appease, ask yourself what you truly think of a situation. Start a new hobby that interests you. Make time for self-care to unwind and recharge.
Prioritizing yourself isn’t selfish. It’s an act of self-love and self-compassion that sets you up to be the best version of yourself, which also benefits those around you.
Practice saying "no"
Saying no and sticking to your own boundaries can be hard, which is why practice is key. By saying no to little things, you can build your confidence so it’s easier to refuse in higher-stakes situations.
For example, try saying no to a telemarketer who’s offering a product you don’t want. Then, work your way up to politely declining an event with your partner when you’ve made other plans for yourself. Each time you turn something down, you’re taking back control over your own reactions and autonomy.
Build a healthy support network
Because the fawn response usually results from trauma, it can be helpful to spend time with people who exhibit unconditional love. This can surround you with positivity and models for what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
Try asking your best friends to go out to dinner once a week or invite a close family member you trust over for a movie night. As you spend more time with good people, it may be easier to identify what’s problematic in your relationships.
Get professional help
Trauma-related responses rarely go away on their own. Whether you’re dealing with childhood trauma, complex trauma, complex PTSD, or working through your trauma responses no matter their origin, getting professional help for trauma can significantly increase your quality of life.
A few options you can try to help you heal include the following:
- Trauma-informed therapy: Trauma therapy is designed to help you understand your traumatic experiences and shift your thought patterns. You and your therapist may try different types of therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which can help change the way you think, or something more specific, like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. EMDR therapy can alleviate troubling thoughts and unresolved memories by helping you safely process them.
Heal your fawn response to build healthier relationships
While the fawn response is a survival tactic, it’s not the healthiest way to respond to trauma. Healing from this trauma response can help you gain confidence, improve your self-esteem, and build meaningful connections.
Partnering with a professional coach can help you work through past trauma, identify areas for growth, and create actionable strategies to fix your fawn response. Work with a BetterUp Coach to overcome fawn response and start living for yourself.
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