Backhanded compliments, which subtly undermine or diminish self-esteem, can hinder personal growth and damage relationships. While these “compliments” may sound like well-intentioned praise at first, they take on a different meaning when you pay close attention to the word choices.
You can receive backhanded compliments from anyone, including a friend, family member, teacher, colleague, or stranger. Recognizing and addressing backhanded compliments can enhance your self-awareness and emotional resilience to help you become a better communicator.
To learn how to manage backhanded compliments, you need to know what they are, why they’re considered backhanded, and how to respond to them in the moment.
What is a backhanded compliment?
A backhanded compliment is praise that could also be taken as an insult. Also called a veiled compliment or backhanded insult, it’s essentially criticism disguised as a pleasant statement. The person giving the backhanded compliment may or may not realize their words could be condescending or hurtful.
Researcher Ovul Sezer theorizes in her working paper “Backhanded Compliments: How Negative Comparisons Undermine Flattery” that these “compliments” are given to get someone to like you while conveying a superior status. They’re often driven by an excessive concern with one’s image.
Passive-aggressive feelings of jealousy or competitiveness can also drive backhanded compliments.
28 backhanded compliment examples
The easiest way to understand how a backhanded compliment sounds is to look at examples. A few example sentences of backhanded compliments include the following:
- “Your speech was great today — for a woman.” This statement implies that women don’t typically give good presentations.
- “Your haircut really slims your face.” This remark insinuates that your face looks bigger without your new haircut.
- “You’re actually very pleasant to talk to for being rich.” This suggests that wealthy people are usually boring or unpleasant to talk to.
- “I’m sure the food is still better than what you would’ve made at home.” This backhanded compliment implies that your home-cooked meals are worse than the food wherever you’re eating.
- “Wow, you look prettier in this lighting.” Someone may take this to mean you don’t look pretty in other types of lighting.
- “Your house feels so lived in.” This makes it sound like your house is messy because it’s obvious someone is living there. Such a statement can make someone come across as rude.
- “Your Instagram makes you seem really fun.” This suggests that your “fun” side is exaggerated and doesn’t exist in your day-to-day life.
- “Wow, I can’t believe you got that job!” This implies that the compliment giver didn’t have confidence in you, think you were qualified, or consider you the best candidate for your new role.
- “What a beautiful photo of you! I didn’t even recognize you.” This statement suggests that you’re not normally beautiful because that version of you is “unrecognizable.”
- “You’re not as dumb as people think.” This suggests that other people don’t think you’re intelligent.
- “That blouse is so nice. My grandmother would love it.” This statement assumes that your shirt is designed for an older woman.
- “Wow, you clean up nice!” Someone saying this may mean that you typically look a mess.
- “You handled that project surprisingly well for a beginner.” This implies that your boss or coworker didn’t have faith that you’d effectively complete a project due to a lack of experience.
- “You look so professional with your hair curled.” This insinuates that you don’t look professional when your hair isn’t curled.
- “You’re beautiful! I can’t understand why you’re single.” Someone may take this as a put-down because it assumes someone would only date you for your looks.
- “You’re so good at speaking German. You don’t even sound like an American.” This statement suggests that someone of German heritage can’t be both German and American. It also assumes that you’re someone who can’t be good at speaking other languages alongside English.
- “You seem too nice to be a cop.” This implies that all police officers are mean.
- “You look like you’ve lost weight.” This suggests that you looked heavier before.
- “I wasn’t expecting your work to be so thorough.” This assumes that your work isn’t usually thorough or that your manager had low expectations.
- “I wish I was as calm as you about all this clutter.” This implies that your house or workspace looks cluttered or overcrowded.
- “You’re charming when you make an effort.” This statement suggests that you don’t typically make an effort. It also implies you aren’t inherently charming.
- “You look great for your age.” This can be assumed to mean that you’re old. The better option would be to keep it at “you look great,” without bringing up someone’s age.
- “I love your nails. I can’t afford to have mine done professionally either.” This suggests that your nails look self-painted and that you lack the skills of a professional nail technician. It also implies you can’t afford to have them painted by a professional.
- “You look comfortable in that hoodie.” This can be a way of saying you think someone is underdressed for the occasion.
- “You seem so relaxed. I wish I was retired without responsibilities.” This could be taken to mean that being retired means you have no responsibilities. It could also suggest that you’re lazy and spend your days doing nothing.
- “I wish I was as comfortable as you are wearing that outfit.” This implies that your outfit is something they’d be embarrassed to wear.
- “You look more pleasant without makeup.” This statement insinuates that you don’t look pleasant when you do wear makeup.
- “You speak Spanish well for someone who is Japanese.” This suggests that the person giving the compliment assumed you wouldn’t be able to speak Spanish because it’s not your native tongue. It could also imply that people of Japanese descent can’t effectively learn other languages.
Why do people give backhanded compliments
The reasons people give backhanded compliments can vary. Some people may genuinely lack awareness or understanding of how their comments might have a double meaning. Others may do it on purpose.
These purposeful comments can stem from feelings of envy, anger, and feeling threatened by the receiver of the compliment. The speaker may use a backhanded compliment to belittle someone else to help themselves look superior.
According to Wright State University researcher William Irvine, people insult others because of their natural need for belonging. Once you belong to a group, there’s a hardwired urge to rise within the social hierarchy by “putting others in their place” with insulting words and gestures.
However, aside from using force and coercion, there are other ways to climb the social ladder. Because humans also value knowledge, they can improve their social rank by contributing to collective goals. At work, this might mean improving customer service ratings. In your personal life, it might mean advocating for a local issue. This accomplishes a similar feat without bringing others down.
How to respond to a backhanded compliment
Being on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment can feel uneasy. It can be hard to distinguish when you should thank someone for their compliment and when it’s time to set boundaries.
If you’re feeling hurt by someone’s words, use these tips for how to deal with difficult people.
1. Assume good intent
Start by giving someone the benefit of the doubt. It’s possible they were genuinely trying to compliment you but chose their words poorly. They also may not have realized that their words could be taken to mean something different. Not every backhanded compliment comes from malicious intent.
Instead of getting angry, try interpreting the message positively. Consider whether you think the person was trying to hurt you. If it only happens once, it might be best to assume they meant well.
2. Respond as if it were a true compliment
Instead of dwelling on the negative side of the backhanded compliment, thank the person for the positive part of what they said. How you interpret their words is a choice. By focusing on the positive, you can help avoid unnecessary conflict and not give their words any power.
3. Change the subject
If you feel offended, say something to change the subject. Doing this can help protect your feelings and keep you from becoming emotionally charged. Assuming the person had good intent, sometimes it’s easiest to let it go and move on.
4. Laugh it off
If you want to address the person’s comments, try doing so in a lighthearted way. For example, if someone says you look good for your age, you can playfully respond by saying, “Are you calling me old?”
This approach allows both of you to laugh it off while showing the other person how their words might have come across negatively. It also gives them a chance to correct themselves if they didn’t mean it that way or weren’t trying to be funny.
How to confront backhanded compliments
Repeated backhanded compliments can reveal red flags in a relationship. They can be a sign of underlying toxic traits and signal that you could be dealing with an emotional vampire. These are people who use gaslighting and manipulation to diminish others.
Unfortunately, this can happen in any type of interpersonal relationship. You may have to deal with toxic family members or friends. You may also have to manage backhanded compliments as a form of embarrassment or bullying at work. This situation often happens when a coworker feels threatened by you because of your talent, organizational power, or relationship with a shared manager.
When this happens, it’s important to be direct and assertive. This is the hardest way to manage backhanded compliments but may be necessary to let the person know how you feel about their remarks.
Try to have an honest conversation with the person dishing the insults by letting them know how their comments and snarkiness make you feel. Explain why you feel hurt by them and ask them to refrain from making similar comments in the future.
If they don’t listen, it may be a good idea to emotionally detach yourself from the person by creating distance between you, even if it’s temporary. This may mean limiting or having no contact with them to prioritize your mental health.
Responding to a backhanded compliment takes practice
Backhanded compliments can be disheartening. Building your communication skills and recognizing the qualities of a good friend can help you build healthier relationships.
If you feel you lack interpersonal skills, try working with a relationship coach. This partnership can help you identify your communication style, build your emotional regulation skills, and improve your conflict resolution skills to create lifelong relationships.
Develop critical social skills with a BetterUp Coach to learn how to navigate any situation with ease.
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