Everyone’s been there: a coworker makes a comment that rubs you the wrong way, a colleague doesn’t pitch in enough on a project, or you have an off-putting interaction with a stranger on your way to work. You may be tempted to react to these frustrating situations combatively.
Why? Because the other person has pushed a boundary, a limit you set for safe and healthy exchanges. Your fight response flares because boundaries protect you, and that system is being threatened.
But you can address this tense moment without getting angry. Learn the key differences between assertive versus aggressive communication skills to support your needs while maintaining positive relationships with others.
Assertive versus aggressive communication
Assertiveness and aggression may seem similar on the surface — they’re both a way to protect yourself when a situation threatens your sense of comfort or safety. But assertiveness is a healthy response to stress, while aggressiveness is often a damaging one.
What’s assertiveness?
Assertiveness means standing up for yourself while respecting the other person in a sensitive interaction. Unlike remaining passive and saying nothing at all, being assertive allows you to kindly but firmly state your boundaries and feelings.
Is “assertive” a positive or negative communication style?
In speaking assertively, you protect both yourself and the other person from hurt and confusion. This is a positive — and delicate — interaction.
What about aggressiveness?
Aggressiveness is a negative behavior in which you lash out angrily toward another person. That might mean verbally, like yelling at someone for making a mistake, or physically, like throwing something when you’re angry. Aggression intends to cause harm — whether reactionary or premeditated. And environmental, sociocultural, psychological, genetic, or biological factors can all push humans to behave in this way.
Agressive interactions often unproductive rather than respectful. In this type of response, you frame your needs as the only priority and focus on winning an argument instead of seeking a solution. In doing so, you risk hurting the other person and sewing resentment in the relationship.
Sometimes, these could be microaggressions, which are behaviors based on someone’s perceived identity that make that person uncomfortable, disrespected, or hurt. They might look like offensive jokes, backhanded compliments, or dismissing someone’s feelings or experiences.
What about passive-aggressive versus assertive styles?
Another type of unhelpful conflict behavior is passive aggression. In this communication style, you might choose to give someone the silent treatment instead of telling them what’s wrong.
Or you might present an issue to your manager in poor faith and reject every possible solution out of frustration. Even brushing off a co-worker because you hold a quiet grudge against them or giving a condescending complement to a friend are examples of passive agression.
These behaviors are hurtful because they cause the other person to spiral when they can’t understand what they’re doing wrong or how to fix it. Assertive conversations, however, tackle a problem head-on and demonstrate a willingness to implement a mutually beneficial and considerate solution.
An assertiveness example
To demonstrate the difference between aggressiveness versus assertiveness, take the example of a coworker falling behind on their project tasks, forcing you to take on extra work.
If you politely and assertively let the other person know you would like more help and explain that you’ve been feeling overtasked, you open a productive conversation about splitting responsibilities.
You may learn that your colleague has been having a tough time outside of work and has been coming in with little energy — which you can empathize with. Together, you resolve the conflict with a plan that works for both parties. This is the opposite of an aggressive interaction.
On the other hand, should you approach the other person while blaming them for every conflict in the project and assuming their unwillingness to help, the aggressive tactic would likely escalate the situation and hurt the other person. They might feel like the conversation isn’t a safe space and react poorly in a moment of defensiveness. You’re less likely to reach a resolution this way.
4 benefits of being assertive
Being assertive, especially for introverted or people-pleasing types, can be nerve-wracking. Sometimes, it feels easier to avoid conflict — but doing so only allows issues to fester.
Bottling your feelings can negatively affect your physical and mental health and foster ingenuine interactions, which aren’t a solid base for healthy relationships. Here’s what assertive practices can do to improve your conflict-management style instead:
1. Solve conflicts effectively
Fighting doesn’t solve conflicts — at least, not quickly. Emotions run high, and you or the other person might say something in that heated moment you’ll regret.
Angry arguments tend not to focus on conflict resolution but on adverse outcomes, like forcing another person to agree with you or shifting blame. When you assertively state what’s bugging you and how it makes you feel, you de-escalate tense conversations and focus on mutual respect and understanding, which in turn creates better conditions for conflict resolution.
2. Reduce stress
People feel stressed when they don’t have adequate resources to solve a problem, which they may struggle to cope with. But while you may not be able to control the onset of a conflict, you can manage your reaction to it. A level head and an empathic approach are two excellent resources for problem solving — and gaining this kind of foothold mitigates any additional stress the situation will cause both yourself and the other party.
Your colleague failing to submit important slides will likely cause anxiety because you don’t have time to take over their responsibilities. But taking a second to stay calm and addressing the situation with good intentions surfaces your concern and leads to positive change.
3. Build self-esteem
Asserting yourself the first time will probably be uncomfortable. You may worry the other person will get upset or like you less. But you’re actually inviting them to learn more about your needs and respect you more — and you’re encouraging them to share their feelings, too.
Asserting yourself and gaining others’ respect is a wonderful way to bolster your self-esteem. You become better at having tough conversations, establishing healthy relationships, and protecting yourself from recurring uncomfortable situations. For instance, if you let your boss know you’re already overworked when they assign you more tasks, you help them better gauge your capacity and save yourself from handing in rushed, subpar deliverables.
4. Strengthen relationships
No relationship is without conflict. Everyone has different likes, needs, and boundaries. Sometimes, what pleases one person or makes them feel safe doesn’t align with what another person wants.
When you assert your boundaries and let other people know how crossing them makes you feel, they can help protect those limits. This is far healthier than not communicating your bounds and blaming others for not intuiting them.
3 characteristics of assertive communication
Asserting your needs is easier said than done — it requires forethought, intention, and practice. As you become a more assertive communicator, remember that your conversations should maintain the following characteristics:
- Respect: Before addressing any conflict, question whether you’re doing so out of respect for yourself and the other person. If your answer is yes, and you’re hoping to reach solutions that will help you live or work more comfortably with someone else, you’re on track for a beneficial talk.
- Clarity: Effective communicators don’t waffle. If you’re unsure what feeling and resolution you wish to express, this is a signal that you’re not ready to have a solution-oriented conversation. Realizing that your intentions aren’t yet clear can also cue you into the fact that your motivations might be negative ones, like acting on irritability or misplaced stress. Take the time to think and plan before you speak out.
- Productiveness: Assertive people focus on outcomes. Instead of picking fights, you carefully plan to work with another person to incite change. If the talk turns accusatory or circular, offer to have it another day when everyone is less emotionally activated.
How to communicate assertively
In theory, you may understand assertive communication, but having one of these talks — especially when addressing a stressful situation — is a different story. Nailing this communication style takes practice but is well worth the effort.
Take the following advice for controlling your reactions and correctly framing your needs, and you’ll be more likely to get this communication style right on the first try.
Make eye contact
Eye contact is a crucial part of healthy conversations. This form of non-verbal communication helps you foster connection, express honesty, and resist influence. Plus, it shows the other person you respect them enough to look them in the eye even when you’re upset.
Looking away or at your feet during an assertive conversation can undermine your point, making you look doubtful. It may also give off the impression that you’re not being entirely forthcoming.
Watch for aggressive body language
When you broach a challenging topic with open body language, the other person is more likely to understand you’re thinking rationally and respectfully.
Crossing your arms, moving your hands around quickly, or using negative facial expressions — like pursed lips or a furrowed brow — puts the other person on the defensive.
Dispel any sense of aggression by inviting conversation with positive body language, such as leaning toward the other person with an open facial expression, nodding while they’re talking, and limiting your hand and arm movements.
Use “I” statements
Everyone’s boundaries and pain points are different. As such, you can’t assume the person you’re talking to will intuit your feelings and needs. While those feelings and needs are valid, it’s not someone else’s fault if they come too close to a boundary without knowing it’s there.
Aggressive communication examples often dismiss this critical distinction. In conversations between aggressive people, you blame others for failing to recognize your boundaries or making you feel a certain way. But other people don’t make you feel anything — your feelings come from within, and you should talk about them as such. A great way to do so is by using “I” statements.
“I” statements frame your reactions as internal and center your feelings. They could sound like, “I’m feeling stressed because I have too much work on my plate,” or “Punctuality is important to me. When people arrive late, I feel disrespected.” These statements invite understanding and open up the floor for further dialogue. On the other hand, if you were to say, “You’re stressing me out” or “You’re so disrespectful. You’re always late,” the other person may feel unnecessarily upset or guilty when you assume their motivations.
You can test your future conversations for the markings of assertive versus aggressive communication by ensuring statements center on your point of view, sharing how actions make you feel and not what you think others are doing wrong.
Be as specific as possible
Prevent incorrect assumptions and further conflict by being as specific as possible. Remember that other people don’t inherently react the same way as you, and you can’t expect them to unpack your feelings without your help.
Before an assertive conversation, identify your feelings, the root of the problem, and a potential solution. For example, you could say, “I’m feeling overtired from doing a lot of the project, and I wanted to see if there was a better way to divide tasks to balance the load.”
Double-check that you’re ready
Since assertive conversations are solution-driven, you should have one in mind before you start talking. Not wanting a solution or being unable to come up with one are signs that you may feel emotionally activated and unready to solve the problem. That’s probably not the right time for a conversation.
When you are ready, clearly state the expectations you have going forward. For example: “I thought I could take care of the research and project statement, and you could help with the slide deck and presentation. What do you think about that solution?” Even if the other person disagrees, you’re opening up a dialogue and demonstrating your commitment to resolution.
Assertive communication shows you care
If you’ve ever been in a situation where you're scrambling to guess someone else’s needs or suffering the consequences of not expressing yours, you know neither is sustainable. Making the right choice between assertive versus aggressive communication is the first step toward a productive resolution.
Assertiveness is also an excellent middle ground between passive and aggressive behaviors. Having direct, intentional conversations shows you care about others enough to seek resolution and teach them how to better interact with you. And you demonstrate that you care about yourself by asking for respect — without disrespecting anyone else.
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